Thoughts

I hate that I love you

I hate that I still care

I didn’t deserve this

I respected the decisions you made

Yet I was the one who got hurt

I was the one crying

I can’t let go

Can’t get it out of my mind

Don’t know where to go from here

Or why I still care

Still want you

Still love you

Still want you to be here with me

Why can’t I just let go

After what you did to me?

Blindfolded

At the request of Rodoel, some more poems :P

Blindfolded

Unable to see

The beauty

On the other side

Of the mirror

Wrinkles on the watery surface

Tears in my eyes

Blood in my veins

Wind blowing through my hair

The simple beauty

Of mountains so high

Eternal snow

Lays a weight on my frozen heart

The warmest fire

Can’t melt the ice

Blindfolded

By my reflection

In your eyes

Time

The time has come

The time in which you’ve seen

That it’s time

To change

The day has come

The day on which everything

Will change

The day that you’ll change

The bad things

Will slowly disappear

And good things

May arise

The clouds

Will slowly disappear

And the sun

Will soon come out

The sunbeams

Will warm our skins

And maybe it will

Bring us closer together

Closer

Then we ever have been

Time will tell

Time will learn

Poem

For this blog, I figured I'd post my favourite poem. I wrote it myself a few years (2006) ago. Hope you'll like it.

That little girl

In her little white dress

Oh, how happy mustn’t she be

See how her hair moves in the wind

See how her little feet touch the ground

She must have everything her little heart desires

Look at her standing

At the side of the river

How she takes off her little shoes

And touches the water with her little toes

Look at the way the wrinkles

In the water come to be

Slowly she walks into the river

Up to her little knees

See her standing in the water

In her little white dress

The little smile on her little face

Has disappeared

Little tears run over her little face

She’s all alone

She says goodbye, one last time

She walks deeper into the river

Until she’s gone under completely

And so said the little girl

In her little white dress

Her final, little goodbye

Pulling yourself/myself together

People who have read my blog may know that I've had some struggles during the past year. Well, the struggles continue and sometimes I think things are just getting worse.

It's so annoying when everyone is telling you everything is gonna be alright, when you just feel it won't. People tell you to stay positive, to look forward into your future. But that's the problem..... I feel like I don't really have anything to stay positive for, things just seem to be going wrong all around me. I really don't know what to do anymore to turn those thoughts around.

I don't feel like I've got any friends or that things are going well for me. I know I've got a few friends, but yet have this feeling of being alone. How does one pull themselves together when you don't know how?

I love working on my webdesign course and learning more about it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I miss the real contact which you have when your around friends. But how do you make friends when you need to pay close attention to your finances? You can't really go out the door.

All these things and more just make it really difficult to pull yourself together. I try to occupy myself all the time, but that doesn't mean that I'm actually feeling better. I know that I'm wearing a mask from time to time, just because I don't want to be the person who feels bad and complains all the time. I wonder......how many others with me are wearing masks?

This blog isn't about interests or discussion topics. This blog is about me, about my life, about my thoughts. I needed to clear my head. I'm curious to see the comments on this blog.

Religion

I just finished reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown and I have to say it peaked my interest. I call myself an atheist, I do not believe in a God. I believe there might be something there, but no God.But being an atheist doesn't mean I cannot be interested in religion, I just don't believe in it.

In the book there is an old Masonic Legend mentioned. The book peaked my interest about the Freemasons and I decided to read up on the subject. I haven't started reading yet, but I have ordered a book about the Freemasons.

What interested me was that these days Freemasonry is considered some kind of satanic cult, as something evil. While the idea behind Freemasonry (in the book that is!) seems more realistic and believable. Freemasonry comes across as a 'religion' which accepts the combination of religion and science, while other religions seems to despise this combination.

According to the book, Christians see themselves as 'the created'. They are created by a God and live by his rules and Word (bible). Freemasons however believe the humans are the creators. The Bible speaks of the fact that we're created  by God's image and in the book (I don't know yet whether this is true, but it make me think), Freemasons believe as well that we have been created according to God's image, but not physically but mentally.

It is known that the human mind has great power and is capable of wonderous things. Based on the information from the book (though I'm full aware most if not all of it is fiction) I don't think that Freemasonry should be considered as evil cult, just because their ideas might be different. Why judge their rituals? The other religions haven't exactly been saints either throughout the course of history. One of the ten commandments says "Thou shall not kill". Well then explain to me this: what happened during the crusades? what happened during missionaries? why are there Christian soldiers fighting in a war on the other side of the world? Every situation has taken place with violence and death. Where does that leave "Thou shall not kill"?

A lot more examples like this could be given. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to upset anyone here or to say that you shouldn't believe. The morals and values in religions are great, and if they give you support by all means, believe! I just think it is a pity that there are several religions who take advantage of their "Holy word" to their own benefit. They seem to claim one thing but do another.

That's also a reason why I choose not to be a follower of a religion. Why would I claim to stand for something and live by the accompanying rules, when I know I'll probably bend those rules to gain personal benefit>

Authority

A colleague of mine brought this subject to my attention. As soon as I heard it, I recognised a link with my previous blog.

Authority can be found all around us. No matter where you look there is always an authority you need to obide by. School, work, RIS, electricity company, internet/telephone provider, basically anything and anyone who 'outranks' you.

In a way this could be seen as there being no freedom left in this world and society. Because everywhere we look, there is an authority present. Whether this an organisation, an actual person or in some cases a God.

This just rises the question again about whether freedom really exists. I don't think it does. Freedom of mind exists, but freedom to express your mind is limited. So in what way I wonder, is there still any freedom left? In what way can we actually find the so-called freedom we are all looking for?

I'm not sure if it's really out there, but I'll remain with hope. Freedom, in every sense of the word, might be the utopia we are all looking for.

What defines a free spirit?

What defines a free spirit? When is a person truly free? Are we free when we don't follow the rules or customs? Are we free when we get our bodies pierced all over or get tattoos all over? Are we free when we just sleep with whomever we want? Are we free when we are creactive?

What defines freedom? So many records are kept this dates. The governments seems to know every single thing about us. Is there even some freedom or free spirit left? Can we still make our own decisions and do what we want to do.

Sometimes I feel like all the decisions in life are made for me instead of by me. Your parents decide what your name will be and to which school you'll go. School decides what you'll learn and when you learn it. Teachers or employers decide whether or not you're doing a good job etc etc.

I think that the only freedom we can still really call our own is our creativity. We decide ourselves what we create, how we want to create it. Of course, there will be some kind of influence but art really comes from you. People will always have their opinion ready, but they think doesn't matter as long as you show what you want to show.

I'll be the first to admit how damn hard it is to not think about what other people think about what you do. I feel like I'm judged all the time. Bout how I look, how I act, what I do, what I choose to do for a living, who I hang out with etc. I really wonder whether there's any freedom left or free spirits left in the world. I could come up with all these arguments about what defines a free spirit and then break them all down again.

What defines the human mind as free? What defines us as free? What defines me as a free spirit?

A new start

A couple of months ago I was forced to make a new start for myself. It's a long story but I got into a depression and couldn't see any way out. It's really hard to come out of a depression, and the only thing you can do is trying to find something to get back on your feet. In my case I got a new job with nice co-workers and started up a home study course in webdesign. The process of recovery is slow and may take a few months. It's the same in my case, but making a new start and looking at what I want to do with my life has helped a lot.

I still have my down moments but when I think about the plans I've made, about what I want to accomplish, it all cheers up a bit. It's these small moments which are the most important. These moments make you feel slightly better, and slowly more of these moments will come by. Also you will start to learn to enjoy things again, which is so hard in the beginning. In the beginning you don't think that you will be able to like or enjoy anything anymore, but it all takes time.

The most difficult part in all of this are the relationships you have with the people around you. It's hard to deal with all the different types of relationships when you are not feeling that great yourself. Slowly this will turn around and everything will slowly become easier to deal with.

I know it sounds like everything sucks and it does at first. But a new start can make such a big difference no matter what the reason is for the new start. Guess the sayings time will tell and time heals all wounds are true. Wounds may heal, but they'll never be forgotten.