Poem

I posted this poem before, but decided to post it again, because it just really captures my current state:

I hate that I love you

I hate that I still care

I didn’t deserve this

I respected the decisions you made

Yet I was the one who got hurt

I was the one crying

I can’t let go

Can’t get it out of my mind

Don’t know where to go from here

Or why I still care

Still want you

Still love you

Still want you to be here with me

Why can’t I just let go

After what you did to me?

Social interactions

Lately I have been wondering a lot about how relationship work and about why we have a lingering feeling to have certain people in our lives eventhough everyone tells us to forget about them.

Relationship (this includes friendships) work in strange ways. But what do we do when things don't go the way we want or expect within that relationship?

For example: I was having a really difficult time a few months ago with a very difficult and delicate situation. Someone I love and whom I thought be my friend, told me that they cared about me a lot and that they would be there for me..... I think you can guess what happened next.... I was tossed aside, completely ignored, not spoken to, up to this day I still haven't seen or spoken to this person..... And I couldn't feel more stupid about believing this person, that I trusted them. Now, I can't tell you what happened or what the situation was, but I think everyone will have experienced something along these lines. But when do we say enought is enough?

My other 'real' friends and family have been telling me that I just need to let this person go, that they are not worthy of me. Part of me knows they're right, but I just feel like I can't let go and don't want to. Yeah, I've been treated like shit, but I'm still willing to look past that.... I didn't expect that things would go this way and I've been going back and forth about what to do and how to handle the situation, and I just can't seem to figure it out.

Which leads me back to the big question: when is enough enough? When do we pull the plug out of a relationship and move on? Can we move on? How do we let go or do we all keep lingering and holding on to relationships that went wrong? And if we do keep holding on, what are we holding on to: the relationship, the person we were in the relationship with or the memories?

I've been stuck in this rut about what to do and about how I want the relationship with this person to go in the future. That is, if there will be a relationship in the future. I've got so many questions and no one really seems to know the answer. They'll tell me the standard things, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I just keep coming back to 'what should I do?', but mostly I'm thinking: When is enough ENOUGH?

Thoughts

I hate that I love you

I hate that I still care

I didn’t deserve this

I respected the decisions you made

Yet I was the one who got hurt

I was the one crying

I can’t let go

Can’t get it out of my mind

Don’t know where to go from here

Or why I still care

Still want you

Still love you

Still want you to be here with me

Why can’t I just let go

After what you did to me?

Blindfolded

At the request of Rodoel, some more poems :P

Blindfolded

Unable to see

The beauty

On the other side

Of the mirror

Wrinkles on the watery surface

Tears in my eyes

Blood in my veins

Wind blowing through my hair

The simple beauty

Of mountains so high

Eternal snow

Lays a weight on my frozen heart

The warmest fire

Can’t melt the ice

Blindfolded

By my reflection

In your eyes

Time

The time has come

The time in which you’ve seen

That it’s time

To change

The day has come

The day on which everything

Will change

The day that you’ll change

The bad things

Will slowly disappear

And good things

May arise

The clouds

Will slowly disappear

And the sun

Will soon come out

The sunbeams

Will warm our skins

And maybe it will

Bring us closer together

Closer

Then we ever have been

Time will tell

Time will learn

Poem

For this blog, I figured I'd post my favourite poem. I wrote it myself a few years (2006) ago. Hope you'll like it.

That little girl

In her little white dress

Oh, how happy mustn’t she be

See how her hair moves in the wind

See how her little feet touch the ground

She must have everything her little heart desires

Look at her standing

At the side of the river

How she takes off her little shoes

And touches the water with her little toes

Look at the way the wrinkles

In the water come to be

Slowly she walks into the river

Up to her little knees

See her standing in the water

In her little white dress

The little smile on her little face

Has disappeared

Little tears run over her little face

She’s all alone

She says goodbye, one last time

She walks deeper into the river

Until she’s gone under completely

And so said the little girl

In her little white dress

Her final, little goodbye

Pulling yourself/myself together

People who have read my blog may know that I've had some struggles during the past year. Well, the struggles continue and sometimes I think things are just getting worse.

It's so annoying when everyone is telling you everything is gonna be alright, when you just feel it won't. People tell you to stay positive, to look forward into your future. But that's the problem..... I feel like I don't really have anything to stay positive for, things just seem to be going wrong all around me. I really don't know what to do anymore to turn those thoughts around.

I don't feel like I've got any friends or that things are going well for me. I know I've got a few friends, but yet have this feeling of being alone. How does one pull themselves together when you don't know how?

I love working on my webdesign course and learning more about it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I miss the real contact which you have when your around friends. But how do you make friends when you need to pay close attention to your finances? You can't really go out the door.

All these things and more just make it really difficult to pull yourself together. I try to occupy myself all the time, but that doesn't mean that I'm actually feeling better. I know that I'm wearing a mask from time to time, just because I don't want to be the person who feels bad and complains all the time. I wonder......how many others with me are wearing masks?

This blog isn't about interests or discussion topics. This blog is about me, about my life, about my thoughts. I needed to clear my head. I'm curious to see the comments on this blog.